Like A Yo Yo

I wrote this post last Tuesday but was too busy to publish it till now. Also, when I wasn't too busy I was too lazy. Or forgetful. Such is life.

Warning: Long, whiny, annoying post ahead. Please feel free to skip and head to the last 3-4 paragraphs; actually, no, I INSIST that you skip the whole sorry post and head directly to the last 3-4 paragraphs.

The last week, everything in my life was going wrong.

At work, I had undertaken a new task in mid-August for a 4 month period, pushing back my main project by those four months. Yet, a month after I had made my new work plan, I was unable to secure a single appointment with the people I needed to meet; basically, I had nothing to show for all my efforts for the past month, I was behind my work plan, my main project was getting delayed, my work load was piling up, and all of this was increasingly stressing me out.

To make things work, my work from home policy had also been changed. Earlier I worked from home about twice a week, so the 3/3.5 hour commute I did wasn’t so bad because it was only thrice a week. But the idea of spending 15-17 hours a week commuting, the very thought itself was enough to make me want to cry.

And then you know the distance learning course I am doing? Well, I covered only about one-fourth of the portion I am supposed to have covered by now. And my exams are in the first week of October *This is the cue for full on panic attack* So I had this assignment to submit last Tuesday, and I spent ALL NIGHT up working on the assignment, and due to a genuine confusion about submission timelines, I missed the submission deadline by a few minutes. Which means I have to defer the module and take it in another session – so the studying I had done for this particular module, the time I had spent working on the assignment, the money I had spent on registering for the exam, they were all down the drain; not to speak of how awful I feel about not being able to keep up with what I had set out to do.

And remember those two personal projects I had mentioned in a previous post (I know that by now they are all beginning to sound the same)? Well, I haven’t so much as started on them, and one of them is due to end on September 30^th. And the other one a couple of days after that. Argh!!!   

To make things work, I was constantly disappointing my family. Amma is in IIMA on a Faculty Development Programme and she wanted me to go visit her in Ahmedabad. I booked tickets to go, but every weekend, either or both of us had various commitments and the tickets kept getting endlessly postponed. Finally, I never went, and she’s heading back next weekend. She was there for over 3 whole months, and I couldn’t make the time to go visit her for even one weekend. I can’t even begin to describe how awful I feel about it.

And Nike’s family was disappointed that I was too busy to be involved in the wedding work (Nike’s brother is getting married in October). Cards, menu, shopping, decoration – whatever the task, I cry off saying I have to study or work. So I’m sending the message that I am not interested in being a more active part of this wedding.

Meanwhile, my social life is non-existent. I have seen an average of one movie a month since moving to Hyderabad in April – earlier I would watch a movie a week. I go out for dinner or clubbing about twice a month – again, earlier this would be once or twice a week. And for other stuff – day trips, picnics, plays, concerts etc. – I haven’t had that life since I moved here. I hadn’t met some of my closest friends in MONTHS, despite living in the same city. I hadn’t met Pinni in so many weeks.

And by Thursday, I couldn’t take it anymore. It felt like my life was completely unravelling. That night, my friend A called up and casually asked me how I was doing and I was * this * close to breaking down and sobbing. All this stress and panic got so bad that I started feeling rather unwell; I woke up on Friday morning feeling so tired that it was exhausting to even get out of bed, and I called in sick to work.

And then, the much needed break happened. At noon on Friday, I got confirmed appointments for meetings in Kashmir! This was so many birds with one stone – first, my new task at work was finally taking off, and I know that once the first meeting happens, it’s easy to get the other meetings; second, since I would be in Kashmir the whole week, I would not have to commute; third, working on the field actually saves me a lot of time (because I save time commuting, save the time I need to spend with family, save time in meetings and administrative work at office, and get back to my room much earlier) and gives me more time to study and focus on my personal projects.

And finally, I get a short holiday in Kashmir!

I felt so much better that I immediately planned activities to correct things and prod them along in the other areas also. This weekend, I did wedding shopping and planning with the in-laws, visited Pinni, met friends for dinner, and got started on the . Next weekend, Amma will be in Hyderabad and I intend to spend time with her.

I am writing this post from Kashmir (I landed in Srinagar on Tuesday afternoon) and already, I feel so much better. I’m calmer, more peaceful, and more confident about my ability to handle this phase. I just need to stretch myself a little for the next one month, and I will be fine. So all’s well that ends well.

Ding Dong Bell

Because that’s as good a title as any for the nonsensical post that is to follow.

So I’ve continued to be insanely busy through August too. My work has suddenly picked up pace. The distance learning course continues to be demanding – lots of readings, regular assignment submissions etc. On top of this, I have taken on two personal projects – both of which require significant investment of time, effort and money. And because we are no staying with the in-laws, we have all sorts of family obligations to fulfill. It’s a classic case of biting off way more than I can chew.

I like my days to be full and busy – but this is too much, I say. I constantly feel sleepy and exhausted. The sense of being hassled accompanies me all the time. My social life has come to a standstill. If I so much as plan to go out for dinner on a weekend, I start to feel guilty about the billion things on my to-do list. And to add salt to the wound, some of the things I have been working on fell through, and that put me in a blue funk for a while. The worst part is that this situation won’t change till November.

Alright, now I’m done with the whining.

The best part of this month was that Nike and I took a short holiday to Cambodia. Yay! So we got engaged on August 15^th two years ago – and since we just need an excuse to travel and since this August 15^th holiday gave us a long weekend, we took another 3 days off and set off for Cambodia. I wanted to go to Kerala since I had already been to Cambodia, but Nike was keen on Cambodia, and because of all his dashed birthday travel plans, I graciously gave in to his wishes. I also made it very clear that next time, I get to decide our holiday destination, mutual agreement be damned. Ahem!

So Cambodia – which was just Siem Reap, actually – was all things fun and interesting. We stayed in this lovely little boutique hotel with a nice pool, and the most marvelous staff, and a four poster bed. It was wonderful. We had a really good guide who took us around the most important temples around the Angkor Park region for the first two days. And on the third day, we got this super-sweet and super-talkative driver who took us to the temples in the outskirts, and to the floating forest.

On the last day we just got long, luxurious massages, hung out with other travelers, shopped at the local markets, and just soaked in the very touristy atmosphere of Siem Reap. It was a lovely holiday, but it was also tiring and too short. And since I had a bad cold from the time my flight from Bangalore took off, I had pretty much drugged myself throughout the holiday, so when I came back home I was rather disoriented. I’ve been saying that I need a holiday from the holiday, but nobody listens to me.

Now I must be off, for tonight we are going to the old city area to check out the Ramzan festivities, and eat Haleem. 

The One with all the Self-Pity

Linda Goodman says Pisceans have an infinite capacity for love and pity. That’s very true. In my case, it is an infinite capacity for self – love and self – pity.

So I’m now wallowing in self – pity, and feeling very sorry for myself indeed. It’s at times like this that I wish I had a car, so I could drive myself to the nearest ice-cream parlour and gobble down a huge tub of ice-cream to cheer myself up. Of course, since the cause of my current woes is The Monster, I can’t obviously ask The Monster to take me in his car to eat ice-cream.

I wish I had a girlfriend, who lived close enough to drive me out for ice-cream now, and to whom I could whine and bitch about The Monster, but alas, that is not meant to be. Since the Big Man in the Sky is a man himself, he makes all these evil plans to keep The Sisterhood apart as much as possible. How else do you explain the fact that my closest girlfriends from school are all in the yoo-yes-yay? Or the fact that my girlfriends in this city live in a tiny village called HSR which isn’t really in Bangalore, as much as they like to fool themselves; or stay at home with parents (which means they can’t really get out at midnight for an ice-cream, or anything else).

As you can see, my cup of woes runneth over. To make things worse, my results are out on Friday the 13^th. And my shouted-from-the-rooftops till I’m hoarse discreet vacation to Kovalam starts on the same day. Which means my vacation is effectively ruined. Excuse me while I go break something.

Okay, I’m back. So. The only ray of light in my dark and dismal life right now is to plan petty revenge against The Monster. Which I would love to share with you but can’t right now, because if The Monster reads this post, he will know about the revenge plans, and then they will be a failure. Can’t let that happen.

But I did have some luck. The Monster lost his keys in the morning, so I was the only one with the house keys. He came back home in the evening before me - and made the mistake of calling me to tell me that he was waiting for me to come home. It was then that I decided that walking was good for my health, and decided to walk all the way from KH Road to my house, which is a good 6kms away. It would take time, but the longer I walked the better – for my health, that is. Of course, I can’t actually walk 6kms, so after dilly-dallying a bit, I took an auto and came home, and felt very pleased with myself for keeping The Monster waiting.

Update: The Monster Nike has just come and apologised (actually he said it’s ridiculous to fight about such silly things, but I’ve generously decided to treat it as an apology). He also offered to make me hot chocolate since it’s too late for an ice-cream right now. Life isn’t so bad, eh?

Have a good weekend everybody. Oh, and pray for me!

Sad, Depressing, Sorry Post - Be Warned!

Well, I’m not going to keep the world in suspense any longer. The examination went very badly. Not in the ‘Oh, I could have done better’ sort of a way, but awfully on an absolute scale. I’ve dissected and analysed and replayed the whole exam in my head a million times. What’s the point? I can’t turn back time. I’ve dreamt about it too. And I am ashamed to admit, I even hoped the paper would have leaked so that there was a re-test. I wish I didn’t think such thoughts though – it’s not fair to those who have done well.

It’s pointless discussing here what went wrong. I’ve done it so often in my head, its’ like a record. Difficult paper, very close choices between the answers, took a lot of time answering each question, ran out of time to go back and answer the questions I had marked with a star to indicate that since I was doubtful about it, I should come back to it and think through the options again before answering. So left out a lot of questions because of messed up time management. That was the story with the first paper.

And I was stupid enough to let the first paper affect my second paper. I went in with a ‘what’s the point’ attitude. And I made it a point to answer each question very quickly or not at all – either the answer jumps out at me or I don’t mark it at all. Because of which I answered too few questions and I made too many mistakes. I did so badly that I didn’t even bother going through the key and checking my tentative score. Hell, I didn’t even count how many questions I had answered. Again, what is the point?

More relevant is what I should be doing next. I started thinking of getting back to work. But now I’ve decided to continue preparing for the mains, atleast till August. If I get through by some miracle (and its going to take a miracle equivalent to that of Jesus walking on the water for me to get through) then I would have been preparing these two months. If I don’t get through, all I’m losing is two months of time and money, which isn’t all that much. It isn’t so bad, to wait it out till August. But I don’t know where I’m going to find the motivation to continue to study.

The worst part is that my sense of self is so tied in with academic success that now I feel like something of a failure, and am making it out to be a bigger deal than it actually is. See, I suck at sports, I’m no good at art, I have no musical talent, I’m not a creative person, and anything I cook is inedible. But the one thing I AM was good at was academics. Now it looks like that’s also been taken away from me, and it’s made me hyper-sensitive and irritable. Of course, I know its stupid, but I cant seem to help it.

It’s funny how I feel sorry for myself on the one hand, while on the other hand I am thinking of how I am blowing up this whole business.

Okay, have I now managed to successfully pass on my sense of depression and despair to you?

Well, cheer up, its not all bad news. My parents and Samee have come to Bangalore, and are staying with me for a week. We’ve been about quite a bit, done some shopping, seen a play, ate out every day. Tomorrow I am off to Coorg with the family for the weekend. I’ll write a nice, cheerful, happy post  once I’m back.

Take care and have a good weekend!

P.S: Or maybe not. My next post might well be a painful, pathetic crib post about how I am friendless in Bangalore. That’s one of my latest bugbears. It’s like I’m always looking out for imaginary problems since I don’t have any real problems. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Oh, that grumpy girl again!

I’m extremely put out right now. First, I haven’t been feeling well at all. I was ill most of July. It was the sickest I’ve ever been in my whole life, and I was in that condition for close to 2 weeks. When I recovered from that, I got some extremely painful mouth ulcers. And when I’m done with that, I now have a bad cold and lots of wheezing. There’s this room in my aunt’s place which usually brings on the wheezing and I stupidly slept there for the last 2 nights so now I have a bad cold and that scary feeling of breathlessness.

The cold started yesterday morning and I thought it would pass. But today, I woke up in the middle of the night because I had difficulty breathing. So I shifted out on the diwan in the living room but it wasn’t much better. So I took medicine and it helped to ease my breathing but I had a fairly restless night and while I’m breathing easier now, I still have a bad cold and the wheeze remains.

To top it all, I’ve been having a long drawn out quarrel with N for the last few days. I don’t like long drawn out quarrels at all – I’m quick to get angry, and I’m equally quick to forgive. But this time, he doesn’t even seem sorry, he has been committing the same (or similar) crime for the last few days without any attempt at appeasing me, he thinks I’m creating a big deal out of nothing, and he thinks HE is the aggrieved party in the quarrel. It’s like I’m speaking in another language because I just can’t get through him at all.

It’s extremely frustrating because if I say anything more, I will be accused of overreacting. But no heed is paid to what I’ve already said, and no effort is made to make up for HIS mistakes. I’m majorly pained, angry, frustrated and fed up – but I’m trying hard not to let the anger show and be atleast normal, if not nice, which also that man doesn’t appreciate – and it is completely draining me out.

So I decided to turn to G for, well, an ear into which I can put out all my troubles in minute detail. Instead he thinks it’s a very silly little quarrel, he all but finds it amusing, he thinks I should adjust (WTF!) and he is more concerned that I learn to eat a sub the right way than about my quarrel. So much for friends! Hmphh. (Though to be fair, I did feel a lot better when I met up with G, for he really empathises and listens and tries to understand).

And then my Mom calls me to ask me why I’m spending so much. Now I am a wild spendthrift but as long as I don’t keep checking my account balance and keeping a tab on my expenses, I can live on happily. But the rare times I check my account to see how much I have already spent that month, a gloom descends on me and I make resolutions of thrift which I’m incapable of sticking too. So I’m already sad that I have been so wildly careless with my wallet the last couple of months, and that I’m quite nearing bankruptcy when my Mom calls me, during work hours, to remind me of the same thing.

But what makes me madder still is that she checked my bank statement (well, she works in the bank and can access my account statement). I SO do not approve of that. In fact, it makes me see red. It’s the only bank I’ve been using all my life, and its now my salary account but I think I’m going to open an account in another bank and transfer funds each month. I don’t need Mom calling me up to check on why and where I’ve been blowing up all the money, my conscience is enough trouble as it is.

Now I’ve moved out of my apartment and am staying at my aunt’s place till I move to Bangalore. Now the advantage of this is that I get to eat good, home cooked food which should boost up my health (I suspect that my recent spate of health issues is simply because of my extremely unhealthy eating habits). I also get to watch TV which does not translate into K serials, like it did in my apartment, and it’s good to go home to people you love (which wasn’t what I felt for my roommates though we mostly got along peacefully) at the end of the day.

But the major downside is that an auto ride from there to office costs 100 bucks one way! It takes well over an hour to reach work in the morning, because of the insane traffic, and I’m now late all the time. And it’s very difficult to get autos on my way home because its so far off and they wont get return fare. I can’t even meet up with friends after work because the later it is, the more difficult it is to get autos.

To top it all, my boss isn’t confirming a date for my move to Bangalore. He had earlier mentioned 10th, though he said he would follow up with the partner in the Bangalore office for a confirmation, so I made all my plans accordingly. Now with 10th being hardly 2-3 days away and no handover of any projects happening, I guess its highly unlikely I will be moving so soon. And the longer I take to move, the more frustrated I will get with the transport issues I am facing right now.

I’m one very grumpy, pained girl right now. I shall now go home and sulk and rant to glory. Gah!.