When the shit hits the fan

So I came here to put up a long whiny post about how everything seemed to be going wrong with my life right now. I feel like I can see a bit of my life and plans unraveling in front of my eyes - and even as I frantically try and stop it from unraveling thus, I have a feeling that I am fighting the inevitable, that there is only so much that I can do, but things have to play out the way they are meant to. I'm rarely so fatalistic but they way things have been going for the last couple of weeks, I see little to be positive about, especially in my current frame of mind.

To cheer myself up, I planned a four day trip to Kerala with Nike for the next week. I booked us into a very fancy Taj resort in a hidden corner of Kerala. And since our usual budget for a hotel room is in the INR 1000 - 2000 range, this is serious luxury for us. And I thought we deserved it, considering how we've had a couple of major setbacks the last month or so. 

I was really looking forward to this trip. Even joking that this was the only bright spot in an otherwise bleak looking horizon. But right now, I don't like my husband so much. He is easily irritated, quick to take offence, snaps for no reason, is as sarcastic as hell, and loses his temper without so much as a by your leave. And it's all directed at me. And today, I didn't want anymore of this. I'm normally big on sitting and thrashing it out, even if I have to plead/bulldoze/beg/blackmail the husband into sitting down for the conversation. But today, I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to discuss it; I just wanted a break from it all.

I realise now that it's possible to love someone, and yet not like them at times. Which is what I feel towards the husband right now. Strangely enough, it's what I feel about my sister too a lot of times.

Anyway. Now this Kerala getaway has begun to nag at me. I don't want Nike to come. I don't see the point of paying so much money to have someone be rude and awful to me in gorgeous surroundings. So I'm pondering if I should go alone or ask a friend to join me. I normally enjoy the occasional solo travel, but I'm not sure if this is an appropriate place for that. I like solo travel in cities, in places with museums and galleries, not in scenic places wher you just sit around and soak in the landscape. Though they do have a massive spa so I could make like one of the heroines in a chick-lit and pretend I'm getting over heartbreak and use the excuse to get all sorts of spa treatments!

I could ask a friend to come along but it's really short notice so flights will be expensive and trains will be filled up. Moreover, I'm going for four days in the middle of the week so it will be difficult for any of my friends to get leave at such short notice. Sigh! 

Making up with the husband is an option, I suppose. The longest we've ever fought in our seven years together is about 24 hours. But for too long, we've been fighting about this, we've been making up within hours, and then the issue comes up again in a couple of days or in a couple of weeks. And this time, I don't want to quickly resolve this, and then have to deal with this shit again when I come back from Kerala. 

Aarrgghh! Oh well, at least ranting on this blog has helped me feel better and breathe easier.  So hopefully, see you soon, in a sunnier mood.

Quick Update

I looked at my blog after ages and realised with a pang that it’s been two whole months since I posted. June was a crazy month: my friend G’s wedding in Chennai, Nike’s birthday, endless work related travel across Karnataka, and preparation for the upcoming Ladakh trip. I spent exactly five full days in Hyderabad in June.

But June ended on a very exciting note, with nine of us setting off to Ladakh for the trip of a lifetime. We flew to Delhi, took an overnight train to Kalka and then by road to Manali. In Manali, we rented bikes and a car and set off to Ladakh. We were on the road for three days: Manali – Rohtang Pass – Darcha – Keylong – Jispa – Baralacha La – Sarchu – Gata Loops – Moore Plains – Tanglang La – Leh. We spent a fair amount of time exploring Leh and the surrounding region. We did overnight trips to Pangong Tso, Nubra Valley and Tso Moriri and day trips to Hemis and Sangam. We then headed out to Srinagar from Leh, passing by Alchi, Lamayuru, Kargil and Drass and Zoji La. After a day in Srinagar, flew to Delhi, spent some time with friends in Delhi, and finally flew back to Hyderabad.

This was the trip of a lifetime for us. Now I view the whole year from the prism of Ladakh. And suddenly, after the trip, all seems alright with the world. That’s how much the trip rejuvenated me and changed my world view.

I am in Bangalore on work and currently don’t have the time for a longer post. Hopefully, a more detailed trip report will follow, along with photographs. But for now, I will leave you with a few photographs.

Weekend Reading

Thanks for all the sympathy! I'm feeling much better now. And I'm home in Vizag for the weekend so the month is at least ending on a great note. :-) 

Meanwhile, I’ve never done this link posts before, but there’s just so much great reading material on my FB newsfeed right now, that I absolutely HAVE to put it all up in one place.

This fabulous piece, titled ’25 Things I’ve Learned in My Twenties’ – how the hell does this guy know the story of my life? I was nodding so much throughout the article that my head was in danger of detaching itself from my neck. About dating jerks until you finally realise they will never become better people, about metabolism slowing down so you start feeling unattractive, about losing touch with friends and how it hurts or doesn’t, about questioning every decision you make, about watching your parents grow old in front of your eyes, about cruel bosses, about betraying your convictions, about first love, about our own cruelty, even about puking in public. This really resonated with me. If you’re in your twenties, go read. NOW!

I found this article very disturbing. What was worse was that even after reading it, an acquaintance wrote about what a wonderful place it was, without even acknowledging all the issues that the place has.

This was fun! Especially if you’ve seen the movie and know the context. My favourites: "Man who catch fly with chopstick accomplish anything" from The Karate Kid. And "Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts" from Naked Gun 2 ^½. Who would have thought action movies had such profound wisdom in them?

The story of the sting operation performed by Shripal Shaktawat and Meena Sharma on doctors performing sex selective abortions in Rajasthan. Because these two very brave people deserve to have their story told. Many times over.

On the topic of sex selective abortions, Nivedita Menon writes a brilliant piece that reflects many of my own reservations about how my pro-choice stance aligns itself with my stance against sex selective abortions.

This anti-MBA sounds like something I would enjoy. Even if I don’t learn anything, I will get to travel around the world, meet some fascinating people, and come across some very interesting perspectives.

This hard hitting article from P Sainath raises some uncomfortable questions. Even as the Planning Commission, in all its wisdom, brings down the BPL, our governments continue to blow up money while poverty, health and education remain neglected.

Happy reading!

Battered, Bruised and Hungry

If anyone is still reading this blog – I am so very sorry that I haven’t updated (not that anyone was holding their breath) or even bothered to respond to all your lovely comments. I’ve just been going through a blue funk for the last month. Punctuated by bouts of whirlwind social activity. Or extreme lethargy.

So it’s not been the best month so far. A lot of things that I don’t want to happen are going to happen very soon, and I keep thinking about it, and it makes me very cranky, annoyed and hard done by. A lot of things I want to happen are also hopefully going to happen, but that’s not happening for much longer so I get frustrated thinking about it, and then realising that its really far off, and getting cranky all over again. I feel like this year, I’m just waiting for September to come, so I can start this exciting new phase of my life then, and I HATE the fact that I’m not really living in the now, but just waiting for the future to come.

Now that I’ve sounded suitably vague and mysterious and angsty, you’d think I’d leave it when the going is good and spare you further details. But alas, innocent reader, that is not to be. I shall now entertain you (not!) with the gory details of the especially awful week that has just gone by. To start with, I slipped and fell down and hurt myself pretty badly – bruised knees, aching back, scratches on my feet, the works. After a few days of this pain, I was recovering and beginning to feel better, but then I did something to my neck, and it hurt so bad that for two nights I couldn't sleep because of the pain that kept shooting through my neck and right shoulder every time I turned in my sleep. Of course, I kept moaning and screaming loudly enough to keep waking up poor Nike who kept rubbing balm through the night*.

The crowning glory (pun unintended) was the visit to the dentist on Sunday for dental flap surgery. *GORY DETAILS AHEAD* It basically involved separating my gums from my teeth, after which they are folded back like a flap so the dentist has direct access to the roots and bone. The dentist then removes infected tissue, plaque and tartar from this area, and then stitches the gums back in place. *END OF GORY DETAILS*

I have a very low (read non-existent) threshold for pain and communicated my discomfort very clearly to my dentist so he suggested we do it in two sittings. This weekend, he did the procedure for the upper set of teeth. I was given anaesthesia so it was totally pain-free but I could feel that he was putting pressure on my teeth/gums/root and I could hear all the scraping and I could see all the blood so that really freaked me out; to distract myself, I focused on how fat I would become if I put on a kilo every year. How would I look at 40? At 60? What would be the ideal age to die if I wanted to die before I got too fat?

Anyway, after such delightful ruminations on the dental chair, I came back home with a blood soaked mouth and swollen cheeks. As I examined myself in the mirror, I was horrified to discover that my gums has become completely misshapen – until Nike pointed out that I was looking at blood soaked cotton! I took painkillers and antibiotics and slept through the day.

I also mumbled my way through a lot of phone calls from all the friends and family with whom I had discussed it like what I had undergone was the world’s most revolutionary surgery. My dad, very touchingly, called me half a dozen times through the day to see how I was doing. My mother, who had gone through the same procedure a couple of years ago, was regretfully very cavalier about it – I’m still thinking of ways to guilt trip her over this.

It was also Cousin M’s birthday so we all went to dinner to Serengeti. It was an unfortunate choice of restaurant because the food smelled absolutely divine and made me very hungry. While my entire meal consisted of two pieces of paneer tikka. I am still drooling at the thought of the chilli olive naan. Though I suppose I could live much longer before I reached my fat threshold if I ate so little every day.

The whole post-procedure experience has been pain-free, though there’s mild discomfort before sleeping and after getting up, I guess when the effect of the painkillers has worn off. I worked from home on Monday because the process of dental care was too messy to subject my colleagues to. And I had curd rice with the yummiest, most delicious and juicy mangoes.

I wanted to watch Ishaqzaade today but decided to postpone it till I am in a condition where I can eat popcorn during the movie (or fries. I’m not a big fan of fries but the INOX snack counter at GVK One serves wonderfully fresh fries, even though in incredulously tiny quantities). So  Nike bought me ice apples so I’d have something soft to eat through my television marathon today evening (Junior Master Chef, Big Bang Theory, Raising Hope, Scrubs, Amazing Race – I've seen more television in one day that in the whole of last month!). He also made me cold coffee because I felt like it. The next time I whine about him, someone please remind me of what a wonderful, caring, considerate, indulgent person he is, and then knock me on the head with a club.

I’m off to a painkiller induced sleep right now. You all have a Happy Tuesday!

*I am not including minor injuries such as when my friend stomped on my feet in her heels when we were dancing, leaving it bruised. Or when I accidentally jabbed a sharp pencil on my leg, so hard that it created a deep scratch through my jeans. That would make it look like I'm trying to get sympathy (which is absolutely not what this post is about, no sir!)

All Alone

I’m sitting in a hotel room in Patna as I type this, with a television sitcom providing an incongruous background sound. My room is comfortable enough but old; the furnishings and upholstery are heavy and faded, giving this room a dated feel. I know by now that this is how most mid-range hotel rooms in the smaller cities are and with my curtains closed, I could be anywhere – Bhopal, Srinagar, Bhubaneswar, Patna.

Usually, I love being where I am right now. In an unknown city, in an anonymous hotel room, all by myself. It’s the only time when I really get ‘me’ time. When I’m home, even if I am home alone, I rarely get ‘me’ time – I’m talking on the phone, I’m chatting on the internet, I’m reading blogs and commenting on them, I’m faffing on Facebook, I’m sending and receiving emails - basically living a busy social life, even if much of it is virtual. But in these old-fashioned hotel rooms, internet is at a premium and I don’t use a data card, so I finally get ‘me’ time; I watch more TV in a day than I would in a whole month at home, I read, I sleep.

But this time around, I’m not enjoying the alone time. I’ve been travelling almost continuously the last two weeks – Tirupati, Vizag, Delhi, Agra – and throughout these weeks I have been spending a lot of time with family and friends, so maybe I’m just disoriented to find myself alone all of a sudden, after hanging out with not less than six people on any given day in the last two weeks. Or maybe I’m just tired and disoriented from all the travel and movement, and it’s finally gotten to me and I’m beginning to feel low. Or maybe there’s nothing fun to watch on television – and as uninteresting as that sounds, that’s most probably the reason.

This is my first visit to Bihar. Since I am travelling alone here, I’ve been advised by all and sundry to be careful. And all these ‘be careful’ suggestions have led to a slight sense of discomfort about being here by myself, especially because I will be paying a visit to some rural villages as part of this trip. And as much as I try to shake off that discomfort, it doesn’t completely go away.

But the people here have so far been incredibly friendly and helpful. Whether it is my driver, or senior government officials, or local NGO workers. And Patna was a surprise to me – it’s a fairly clean city with good roads (atleast the parts I have been to). Tomorrow though, I will get a taste of rural Bihar. Which reminds me that I need to go to sleep now – I have a long day tomorrow, and I need to get an early start.

That's all for now!