What's this called, mate?

Today I was on an exhilarating high, most of the day. I’m not sure why – maybe I woke up early to a lovely morning with the sky so blue and little rain drops and the smell of the earth. Maybe because I met someone dear to me unexpectedly, first thing in the morning. Maybe because I washed my hair and took a nice, relaxing bath. Maybe because we finally found a maid who will do the work at a reasonable wage and I don’t have to worry about wielding the soap bar or broom myself.

Maybe the day seemed so wonderful because I had a full breakfast with a close friend while we sat together and watched the rain. Maybe because I reached office early and got quite a bit of good work done during the day. Maybe because the work and the people in office just pull up my spirits some more.

I’m slowly gaining the confidence that the work I do in office is good. Those self-doubts and uncertainty of earlier days is fading away as, with each day, I become more confident about the quality of the work I’m doing. And this confidence only adds to the enjoyment my work provides.

I can truly say that I’m loving what I’m doing. The times when I am most content in the office are when I’m working hard against a deadline with the worry that I might not be able to meet it. At such times, I’m so lost in my work that I barely hear the conversations happening around me nor do I feel the slightest pang of hunger. The times when I feel most dissatisfied in office are those when I have spent about half or most of the day surfing the internet than doing serious work.

I probably find my work so interesting because it’s challenging - finding the right source and the right information, coming up with ideas, and all this while sticking to tight deadlines. What’s best about the project I’m doing is that I have learnt so much in this one month – information about the power sector in India, knowledge on infrastructure and other related information of some unheard of countries in the Pacific, some of the issues involved in developing and maintaining a website – the things I’ve come across and learnt in my short stint have been very interesting.
But much as I enjoy my working, I don’t see myself doing the same thing a few years down the line. Well, that’s understandable because what I look for most in life is a variety of experiences. But more specifically, I don’t see myself working for the same firm or even a similar firm or in a similar area of work a few years from now. I think this is another indication of my reluctance towards commitments. I’ve always been wary of commitment in a romantic relationship and I still am.

But this fear of commitment is not in relationships alone. I love the work I’m doing but I’m scared to commit myself to the same line of work. I imagine myself doing a lot of things – giving a shot at the civils and joining the IFS to become a diplomat, studying literature at a place like Oxford, packing my bags and spending a year on the road, maybe backpacking across Europe – when I think of what I want to do over the next couple of year, all these options come up but ironically, I am unable to commit to even start with one of these.

What is it about me that refuses to make a choice and then stick to it? Why do I need to keep all my options open all the time? At some point of time in our lives, we will have to make a choice and learn to live with it. Why am I so unwilling to do that? Is everyone scared of commitment in its many forms or is it just me?

Sometimes I think I’m scared about commitment because I enjoy the uncertainty that comes with lack of commitment. I thrive on uncertainty, there’s no doubt about it. I know that what keeps me going is constant wonder of what’s coming next. I think it’s the reason behind my high levels of zest and enthusiasm for everything. Because I’m always curious about what something will bring. Waiting to know what’s coming around the bend.

I have a terrible fear of becoming old. I guess that’s something a lot of young people feel. A large part of this fear of old age is because I think, when I’m that old and I’ve seen all has happened in my life, what else is there to look forward to? What a sad and depressing way to live, with nothing to look forward to! And these thoughts worry me. Because I am afraid of the prospect of coming to a stage in life where I have nothing to look forward to. And I’m just too selfish to fully appreciate how someone can live their lives looking forward to what is going to happen in their children’s lives.

I know my viewpoint is wrong. And when I’m a wise old lady who has seen a lot in life, I will look back at my young and foolish ideas and allow an indulgent smile (I already do that a lot to a lot of the ideas I had when I was a kid so it’s not leap of faith to imagine myself doing it when I’m older too). But till then, like I already said, not knowing anything but thinking he/she knows everything is the prerogative of the young (and of consultants too!!).

So I shall just go live for now thinking that it is the uncertainty in life which gives the adrenalin, the rush to experience the most that life has to offer. By the time I’m old enough to realize I was wrong, it would be too late to matter anyway!!

P.S: I haven’t been using office time to indulge in my brand of philosophy. I’m at home right now, and I’m typing this as I sit in the balcony and a cool wind blows. But now it’s time to turn in because I want to get up early enough to meet my Dad and sister who are coming to Hyderabad tomorrow. I’m not sure I’ll actually be able to meet them because I might not get up in time…..like I said, it’s the uncertainty which keeps me going….;)

An idle mind is a.....

Sitting in a staff meeting. 18 people around the conference table. My first experience of the boardroom – is just like what one sees on television, advertisements etc. As a kid, I imagined taking the boardroom by storm with my ideas and analytical skill. Of course, my imagination then (and even now) is more visual than verbal and is beyond the reach of anything remotely resembling reality. But for the most part, this meeting has been rather boring.

My mind comes up with rather strange thoughts to keep me awake. I recall the line I had heard in the morning ‘George Bush condoms – for men who don’t know when to withdraw’. My thoughts wander to the senior who used to wear only capris so as to show off the tattoo on her ankle.

Ahh!! Temporary salvation – Sridhar arrives with coffee.

Sigh!! I miss the good old B school days when one didn’t need to fight sleep so desperately – after a point, one just gave in. The joys of sleeping in class have to be experienced to be appreciated. To all those who frown upon those who sleep in class, ‘boo’. Your neighbour’s attempts to wake you up, suddenly waking up and nodding your head vigorously to whatever the Prof. is saying, Spunky’s ‘I was wondering…’. Funnily enough, many memories of B school are related to sleeping in class for that is such an integral part of the culture there.

I hate it when the spellcheck in my word document is set to English (US). For me, colour (and a lot of other words) has a u, z is pronounced ‘zed’ and not ‘zee’, cheque is not spelt check and so on. Maybe that is why I do not want to live or work in the US – I just don’t like their language.

My friend is here. She got married last august and has been living in the US since then. It feels weird - to have a married friend living in the US. Actually, it feels weird that some of the people closest and dearest to me are in the US. It’s so far away. Why? Your parents miss you so much – they can’t stop talking about you when I pay them a visit. Your friends are all here – they think how wonderful it would have been if you were also here, at home.

That day I have been dreading for a long time has come and gone. The other day, I was standing right opposite a Baskin Robbins store. And I did not go in. Yesterday, at the store, my uncle asked me which ice cream I wanted. They never ask me if I want one, they always ask me which flavour I want - my family is so sure of me. But yesterday, I said no. Yeah, I know saying no to ice cream is sacrilege – and that day has come. I’m greatly distressed, I don’t know how to deal with this situation – I wonder if I should inflict punishment upon myself and not eat ice cream for a whole week.

What does do without ice cream in one’s life? What does one do without love in one’s life? Of chocolates, books, sleep, Gult movies, the English language, brightly coloured pants, rain, Granny’s pakodas, travel shows, Mom’s dosas, Japanese anime. And why is this list dominated by food?

Jus a thought...

As one grows older, one becomes wiser. With wisdom comes perspective. And that spoils all the fun!! Perspective makes you less judgemental and more understanding – and for a person as opinionated as I am, that’s a tough call. Not that I’m laying a claim to either age or wisdom – I have little of either. Youth and folly are mine to savour in their full glory, atleast for the precious present.

Well, coming back to the point, these days I tend to increasingly understand and empathise with the other person’s point of view (henceforth called as PoV). Which means I’m more appreciative of the role of religion in society, I’m more understanding of womend (and NOT men) who find the ‘feminist’ idea useless; I’m less critical of people who have reached a point of extreme cynicism, I’m more supportive of people who dream of going abroad – heck, there are times when I can even forgive Ekta Kapoor for inflicting those serials on the nation – you get the drift, don’t you?

Well, now it’s not too much fun to be like this, all understanding and non –judgemental. It’s difficult to form strong opinions or biases.