Friday, December 31, 2004

More than halfway to happiness

...that is my bracket tagline.
2 exams today- Operations Management and Managing People and Performance in Organisations.
OM was awful, miserable, terrible, atrocious, unspeakable and so on. I had done well in the last quiz and expected to do well in this one too but alas and alack!! it was not to be. From the word go, I was lost. Where I could, I gave free rein to my creativity even in problem solving. I made guesses randomly despite being aware of negative marking for incorrect answers. I made up my own frameworks for i didnt know any by the original propnents. Well,it was an unmitigated disaster from which I am yet to recover.
My entire preparation for MPPO was supposed to revolve around the 2hr break between the 2 exams.I spent this battling drooping eyelids and consequently didnt get much in the form of 'learnings'. Unsurprisingly, the MPPO paper left me blank.I then indulged in creative bullshitting for a while. I made up a couple of laws and legislations(future legislator in the making, yo!!), gave suggests left, right and centre about how to manage people and generally put in a lot of blah for an hour. After exhausting my imagination, I gave up the paper and came back to my room.
Moving on from my academic disasters...
I skipped lunch today to study and now the snack counter is closed. Im dying of hunger and there is not a morsel to eat. Ill have to bear with this for another hour when the mess opens for evening tea and snacks.We have very good breakfast but otherwise im heartily sick of the mess food. It doesnt taste bad...its just that there is no variety in the food at all and everything seems to taste the same.

Thursday, December 30, 2004


Had the 1st endterm today - Corporate Finance. It was three and a half hours of tapping the calculator and adding,subtracting, multiplying and dividing all the figures in the question paper indiscriminately. It was so bad I couldnt even fudge the figures to balance the Bal Sheet...and this Ive been doing for 5 yrs!! Im getting a D in this one. Am in the bottom of the class. But I will not feel bad about my imminent D till Jan 2005 when the grades are going to be out.Till then, I shall just celebrate the end of the course.

I really have only myself to blame. The 1st corpfin class this term...I put in a niteout 'resolving' personal issues. So I promptly fell asleep in the 1st CF class the next day. I did try waking up at only takeaway from that class was a view of the Prof's butt. The next few classes continued in similar vein...Id wake up at intervals and vigourously nod my head or shout out figures along with everybody else before dozing off again. My classmates claim that man is a God-level Prof - I wouldnt know coz I slept through his course.

Id like to write some more but I slept at 7am and got up at 7:30 am today. Im on the verge of death. Im going to crash for a short while now and bounce back for the 2 endterms tomorrow.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

...and I ramble on

I think it is finally the end. There is still some part of me which is afraid that it is not over but then, another part of me thinks it is and I have been more at peace and looking and feeling better since yesday night than I have for the past 10 days.

A couple of days ago I was feeling really was about 1 in the night and the only thing that could cheer me up was a hot chocolate fudge.So Amol, Ankita and I went to Brigade Road at that time of the night for my hot chocolate fudge.We couldnt get it anywhere so we ended up at this pseud looking place called Pinxx(yeah,everything pink in color and all) and ate some really bad icecream. But it was lots of fun.and this is the kind of thing I want to do throughout my life...go on an improptu trip one fine weekday, go on a long drive to bhimli sometime late in the nite, eat pani puri in PPT formals, eat icecream in the rain, dance on the terrace when it is raining...impulsive how that woman used her shell shaped soap...:)

Its 2:30 in the night...we have a marketing report to submit in 6 hrs, end terms in a weeks' time...and I want to watch a movie now!! And I know the only thing that will stop me from watching the movie is if I feel sleepy. Im just debating which movie to watch. groupmates wont be very happy if Im sitting around here while they work...we are almost done, just some formatting work left to do.I guess Ill be off.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

pulling my hair out

Im pulling my hair out in frustration...ive been trying for months to get my picture up on the blog but there seems to be a problem with Hello Picasa and I cant do it!! And for those of you who havent seen me, trust me, its worth the effort. And for those of you who have, ahem...
Today, we had a Prof from France, who said India was not a secular country and in the same bretah said that secularism was the most important principle in France.Rajeev got pained at that.We passed notes, dont have the with me right now but it went something like this:

Rajeev: India is the most secular nation. How can she even say that? Has France ever had a President who belonged to the minority religion? Has the US ever had a non-catholic President?

Me: That is the general perception the western world has of India and to some extent it is justified. Do you remember the picture of the man begging for his life during the Gujarat riots? No country is secular when its citizens go through such pure fear just because of their religion. We would talk differently if we were Muslim.

Rajeev: It works both ways. What about the Kashmiri pundits who cant return home because of Muslim militancy?How would those in the Godhra train feel?Im not saying there is no room for improvement. Obviously there is. But it is hypocritical of her to say our country isnt secular but hers is.

And the conversation continued on these lines...about how most western countries, especially the US, were hypocritical and how they hadlaws different for themselves and for others.
About 2000 people died in the 9/11 WTC thing. 10000 people died during the Afghan war. So 1 American life equals 5 lives of people belonging to an underdeveloped country.What kind of a skewed world are we living in? Why is it that the life of a wealthy person is much more valuable than the life of a poor man?? What is worse about the whole thing is that Afghanistan went through much more turmoil than the US ever did through the whoel episode. People observe 9/11 as an anniversary...they call it ground 0...they are planning to build a memorial. And the rest of the world shakes its head in sorrow at the tragedy the US had to face 3 years ago.
The rest of the world has forgotten Afghanistan, which happened later. And the rest of the world is about to forget Iraq, which happened so recently.

Friday, November 26, 2004

my movies

Ive had a good term this time. Not only have I got myself a summer job and a scholarship, Ive gone out quite a lot, managed to watch quite a few movies and read a couple of books too.

Grave of the Fireflies - Japanese anime. Lovely movie...the kind that stays with you long after you've watched it. I cried for hours after watching it. I still feel bad when I think of the movie. It is such a neatly made so lovely.

Spirited Away - Japanese anime again. Kinda wierd movie...doesnt make much sense but I guess its kinda fun to watch.

Onohide Poroporo - You guessed it right!! Jap anime once again. It means Only Yesterday. Another extremely nice movie. There were times when I could connect so well with the protagonist. A very sensitive, and also, sensible movie...somehow, the way the theme and the whole movie was dealt was perfect.

Tonari no Totoro - Another wierd movie. Not too great. And yeah- Japanese anime.

Lost in Transalation - Not a japanese movie. An American movie shot in Tokyo.And it was just a coincidence...i swear!! It is a sweet movie but a major disappointment coz I was looking forward to this for a long long time and it wasnt as great as I thought it would be.

Dr.Zhivago - Finally!! After a gazillion tries, I finally got to see this one. Its kinda nice.But painfully long.Again, it wasnt as good as the reviews it got.

Gharshana - Gult movie. I liked it. Slick movie. A Venkatesh who looked good and played a role that suited his age. Movie could have done with better editing but overall, one of the better Gult movies Ive seen in recent times.

Veer Zaara - Highly senti and higly silly. Big time romanctic...or atleast, that is what it is meant to be. Good music was the only redeeming factor. Otherwise, a movie worth missing.

8 movies in two and a half months. I think that was an awesome job!! And now I shall log off to go watch one more movie...

Warning: Im cribbing again

After sounding so senti in the last few posts, i thought id be back on track with some decent posts...but I seem in the mood for cribbo posts or no posts at all.
I feel like the guy in 'Catcher in the Rye' - I dont know why but for the life of me i can never ever remember what his name is. But right now, I feel like I can understand exactly how he feels. My whole life feels like a BIG BIG BIG mess. But I dont want to talk about that right now.
I feel I should announce it to one and all that I got myself (or should i say the Placement Committee here got me) a summers job at IBM. I asked to work in the HR field, much to most people's disbelief!! I will most probably be working in Bangalore and so staying on campus. Ive been told that we would be given laptops, have a 5 day week and not much work. So ive already started dreaming about those 3mnths - white water rafting and bungee jumping in Mysore, hopefully a visit to Masanigudi, another to Coimbatore, maybe even Ooty and all other places around. Its good to be in Bangalore in summer weatherwise...and finally, i could explore the city too. A couple of people I know will also be staying on campus so im thinking it should be lots of fun and am really looking forward to it.
There is something about writing...or even typing, basically, when you put thought on paper or somehow settles things in and makes you feel much more comfortable with the world around you.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

life is a chocolate

I've been listening to 'Aint no sunshine' by Al Green since yesterday night. Ive become addicted to that song. I dont feel like listening to anything else. I dont like anything else I listen to.....
Today is Day Zero of the summers placement process. All the i-Banks are slotted today. Not surprisingly, I did not get any shortlists today.
Disppointed?? Certainly not. Im pretty sure I dont want to work in an i-bank. No, it is definitely not a case of soure grapes. Yes- I would have been delighted if I did get a shortlist and I would have been on top of the world if I got a final offer from one of these companies. It is not just a damn good paying job but an ibanker is one helluva sood thing to be. And people put in so much fight to get an ibank summers just because they might get a PPO- and then, for them, their life is made, so to say. But it isnt the kind of job I would like to do and im simply not cut out for something like that. And that is why im so cool about the whole thing.
In fact, i dont have any particular kind of job I would like to do, for the summers. I just want the experience of working somewhere.
Long term, yes, I know for sure I want to work in some place like CRY. An NGO. Where this sudden fondness for kids? Not really...I would like to work in any NGO which works for women or children.

Monday, November 01, 2004

...and then some

I dont care much for this one but this one is for Abhishek

Why am I crying, I want to know.
How can I smile and make it right?

I'm going back to the ones that I know,
with whom I can be what I want to be.
Just one week for the feeling to go --
and with you there to help me
then it probably will.

I won't go down
acting the same old play.
Don't think I'd make it: but then I might.

I wonder why most lyrics arent happy...


All credits to Abhishek:

When I look around, everybody else brings me down
Whether its them or me, well, I cant see
But there aint no peace to be found
But i fsomeone really cared, would take the time to spare...a moment to understand another one's despair...
remember in this game we call life, that no one said its fair

When I first came across this, I fell in love with this the time, it seemed to describe perfectly how i felt.Uncanny how someone else's words reflect what you think are your evry personal feelings.

Many a time Ive been mistaken and many times confused
and Ive often felt forsaken and certainly misused
And I dont know a soul who's not been battered,
I dont have a friend who feels at ease
and I dont know a dream thats not been shattered
or driven to its knees

Something on similar lines.I fell in love with these lyrics because I could empathise with the lines.Or maybe it was because I felt the lines could empathise with me.And they gave me so much comfort.I always feel so much better when I realise that someone at some point has felt the same way i did. It makes things okay somehow and i get the feeling that soon,ill be fine.
And thats what these songs did to me last year.I was losing hope, I was lonely and it wasnt a very nice way to be. and these line seemed to know exactly how i was feeling...i knew what these guys were talking about. and then i knew it was going to be okay...if someone else had gone thru the same uncertainities i had gone thru too, i knew it wasnt so bad after all and that soon things would b back to normal.
Everything always becomes allright after a while.

Talk to me softly
There's something in your eyes
Don't hang your head in sorrow
And please don't cry
I know how you feel inside
I've been there before
Somethin's changin' inside you
And don't you know

Give me a whisper
And give me a sigh
Give me a kiss before you tell me goodbye
Don't you take it so hard now
And please don't take it so bad

I keep thinking, this is probably what Abhishek would want me to listen to when im down and low.

Sunday, October 31, 2004

Cribs in Life

and i dislike most of the people here. Its been boiling for a while now and today, the line was drawn. I dont know if this is what happens when you live in a hostel...most people here are selfish, indifferent,sly. I dont think many people here are honest and straightforward. When someone wants something, it would be nice if they could ask for it in an open manner instead of trying for it in a roundabout way. If someone want to make a judgement about someone else, atleast look at things objectively and get the whole pictur right...but no, that doesnt happen here. What is sickening is that because of all these people, I dont trust anyone at all here. No one here has a sense of loyalty. People here will not raise a finger to help someone else if they think it might even be slightly uncomfortable for them. Friends...thats a joke. Everyone bicthes about everyone behind each others back. Seniors...people I've known for less than 4mnths bitch to me about classmates of theirs, whom theyve known for more than a year. And Im equally sure these same people will go and bitch about me to someone else. I dont whom to trust and whom not to. I still turn to only my old friends for any kind of help. It wouldnt be so bad if this was just a selfish place...selfishness isnt a bad thing at all, but what really puts me off is the hypocrisy. I could probably count on my fingers here the number of people who are honest. I do not lay any grand claims to honesty myself but whatever I say or do, but i dont think im a hypocrite either.There is a difference between a liar and a hypocrite and i hope i am well away from the line where the liar turns a hypocrite. I dont know if this is the attitude they carry over even to their family and close friends but i doubt these people can ever live happily and at peace with themselves.
I feel sad because I have come to a point where I dont really care for anyone at all here. The only people here I truly care for are gv,shivani, nikhlesh my mentor.These are the people i would go out of my way to do things for, people id hate to see get hurt. for the rest, i dont really give a damn. and i feel sad that i have become like this. it isnt how id like to be...and i hate the way im sounding rite now...but sometimes,there is a threshold and u step over it...u just cant let things slide by and not let it bother you...or try to behave like it doesnt really affect you in any way. It does, it does very much...and tears are sometimes such a healer.
I doubt id leave this place with any lasting relationships, except with gv and shivani. I have heard it being said time and again that 10 years down the line, many of your frens are going to be big shots earnign fat salaries and the usual blah. How does it make a difference to me? I dont want to be friends with people like these. I will not be able to point to a single person and say 'he/she will be there for me when i need him/her'...except maybe my mentor. And for someone who has always had atleast 2 people whom she could completely rely on, it is a difficult situation to deal with. But it is in a way a decision made by choice. for conversely, i dont think even id go out of my way for a single person here.I wouldnt mind going out of my way for my mentor and maybe even gv but thtats about it. and thats not liek me at all.obviously, it works 2 ways.
What i really hate is that i simply dont trust people anymore.
My priorities are very different from those of the people around here and im wondering if that is the reason i find it so difficult to liek most of the people here. But that really cant be the was the same situation with my old friends too. im just hoping its the same case as it was wen i first went to hyd...during the 1st year. I thot i liked people easily....i guess i dont like friends so easily.
its highly frustrating...i hate hitting out at so many people like this and when i say 'everone' i know a lot of people do not deserve all of that and it is very unfair of me. But i simply hate what this place is doing to me.I dont like this attitude of looking at everyone in a negative light and then waiting for them to do something so i can change my opinion about them.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

The last 10 days.......
nothing spectacular but ive been having good fun. It rained very heavily one night and a huge group of us girls started dancing in the rain...for an hour and a was amazing fun. I used to dance like crazy and jump around in the rain as a kid. It had been a long time since I did that and it was awesome.
am hardly eating dinner at the mess these days...kfc one day, CCD on campus one day, ordered in twice and if nothing else, i altogether skip dinner.
Last sunday, i was asked to take around a group of europeans fromm rolls royce around Bangalore. & and a pgsm woman were their hosts. We shopped at commercial, lunched at Tandoor, shopped some more. They all changed into ethnic wear in my room and we went to this place called rudraksh. It was on the outskirts of the city...a large farmhouse place kinda thing converted into an ethnic resort...used for exclusive parties. We are welcomed by some folk dancer, served nariyal paani, then we get to pick up drinks and sit under this open hut and watch a ballet of the different dance forms in India. Dinner is in the open...with stone tables and stone stools and baskets for dustbins. It was in the middle of nowhere and very very dark and the place was only dily lighted by pole fires and small bulbs in thick trees. The ambience was mindblowing. If i hav the money and wanted to throw a party for abt 50 ppl, i wud undoubtedly choose this place.
Hmm....havent had dinner today so im pushing off the nite canteen now to pick up some grub. L^2 tonite and me the party coordinator...big name,small job...lots of work

Wednesday, October 13, 2004


We had a quant class in the morning. The prof teaches well but he is extremely boring. Effectively puts the class to sleep. In accordance with my resolution to try not to sleep in class this term I made a laudable effort to stay awake..and succeeded!!! Twas so bad I has tears in my eyes due to the sheer effort. I like Operations Management a lot...very interesting...but Ive met only one person who agrees with me...myself!
I spent all day filling a form for a summers company and still managed to make a big mess out of it and submit it late. I wudnt have minded so much but for the fact that I spent so much time on it. Lesson learnt: Im probably the most inefficient manager of time at this place...and probably at a lot of other places too.
And now on to other news...for whoever is love life remains non existent. I am probably the most contrary minded girl God put on this earth. I cant decide whether it would be more effective to kick myself hard or laugh at myself but I guess nothing is ever going to put an ounce of sense in my head in this regard. So try as I might, the status quo remains as it is. im writing in the confidence that no one reads this but if those who know me are reading this...I know you guys probably have no clue as to who or what I am talking dont bother.
Well im completely free now and thrilled about it. I guess I shall start reading Mistry's 'Fine Balance'. Have been looking forward to it for a long time.
Trust this to happen...i get time to really write for a long while now and all i want to do is read...dint i mention something about being contrary minded?
so im off now to my book

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Back at IIMB

Landed in Bangalore on Sunday morning at 10am. My room was such a mess it made me feel extremely homesick. Shivani helped me clean it up after lunch and the clean room did much to cheer me up...; )
I spent about an hour trying to learn how someone played looked very interesting...but then...
18 of us went out for a movie...everyone fought about which movie to go to so we decided on a dance bar. But then some of the guys werent wearing shoes so they wouldnt be allowed in. Then we went to a bowling alley and came out coz they had no food.After rejecting too more places for being too expensive and too cheap we ended up ate an Andhra restraunt!!...where most of the junta ate north indian stuff!!
And after hot chocolate fudge on the road we headed 'home'. I slept for 4hrs tonlyhat night coz of some for filling we had to do...welcome back to my life!!and this after 10 hrs marathons at home...sad is the state of affairs...
Monday was no better.After lugging up textbooks weighing many tons, we had 2 classes which were both rather good. But i got my last terms marks and those were,unsurprisingly,not good at all.but who cares..not me!!Monday was 'reworking resume' day. Itz kinda awful that everything important you'e done in all your 20yrs is summed up in one single sheet of paper. And what was worse was that all this grand ideas you have of yourself come crashing down when you see the kind of things some of the people here have done. It took me time to come to terms with the kind of resumes most other people have.I was suddenly left wondering what Id been doing all these years when the people around me had been achieving so much. But im cool about it now...i guess i was too busy having fun to achieve all those (note that i assume that i only need to try to achieve...ahem!!...modest,arent we?) The worst thing a person can do is look back and regret.Ive been through that once and itz quite a terrible experience....and it is not something I am ever gonna repeat.
Actually,im in the flow to write a lot more rite now but I have 2 classes tommorrow followed by form filling. So tomm promises to be a busy day and i need all the sleep I can so..gnite.

Saturday, October 09, 2004

one day to go

Im heading for Bangalore tommorrow with a heavy heart. I was in tears today evening. Was bawling like a lil kid saying i didnt want to go. Nagesh and Lalit came home...we went out shopping for lots of stuff i needed and came back home late without getting any of the stuff I wanted!!

Friday, October 08, 2004

Daily deeds

Slept late. Went to school. Whenever I go back to school, a flood of memories come rushing at me. Will not get into that now
Im going back to Bangalore day after. I dont want to...:(((
Im already beginning to feel homesick. i want longer holidays. I want to stay at home.I dont want to study. I dont want to have to do readings and submissions and presentations and assignments and submit stupid resumes and all that.Actually, I dont mind the studying and acads part so is the placement process that puts me off...i wish all this wasnt compulsory..i wudnt have done any of this and coolly done my summers at the IIMB library.
Well, i guess i better make the most of the one remaining day i have in vizag.GV and i will be going to GITAM college to talk to the students about IIMB and CAT. I have no idea how i am supposed to give a speech with my thorat in the condition it is in right now.
Well,i dint do anything i planned to do this vacation. I jus ate a lot and slept even more. Went out when i wasnt doing either of this. Read a little too. My only regret is the amount of time i spent on bracket should have been spent talking on the fone with my frens from here.I have made a promise to myself that i shall spend more time with my family and friends over the fone once i get back. only now have i realised how much ive put them away with my 'im busy' all the time. So this term around, however busy i am, i am going to make time for them.
Well, i kinda lost the habit if sleeping late.Am very sleepy .Off to bed now

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

beach bumblings

Got up late. Lalith came home for lunch.We then picked up GV and went to Thotlakonda.
Weather was lovely today. It had rained and from on top of the hill the sea and sky looked so blue. There is something about the sea which makes you want to not say a word and just sit there and look at it. Something about the sea which makes you think.
I always think that for someone whoz lived near the sea most of his life, it would be difficult to live in a place w/o the sea. I guess I kind of realised this when I was in Hyd. I mean, where do I go when im very sad or very happy, if not to the beach? What better place to meet an old friend than by the beach? And what better way to spend an evening than at the beach?
Im going to miss the beach once Im back in Bangalore. I think Blore is perfect as the city to live in but for the fact that it doesnt have a beach.
Well,enough about it for now. Im chatting with 'prashu' now. Guess ill go crash.

Sunday, October 03, 2004

my first post

my second blog....hopefully, i will be able to make better use of it than the earlier one
letz jus say this is a test post