Sunday, October 31, 2004

Cribs in Life

and i dislike most of the people here. Its been boiling for a while now and today, the line was drawn. I dont know if this is what happens when you live in a hostel...most people here are selfish, indifferent,sly. I dont think many people here are honest and straightforward. When someone wants something, it would be nice if they could ask for it in an open manner instead of trying for it in a roundabout way. If someone want to make a judgement about someone else, atleast look at things objectively and get the whole pictur right...but no, that doesnt happen here. What is sickening is that because of all these people, I dont trust anyone at all here. No one here has a sense of loyalty. People here will not raise a finger to help someone else if they think it might even be slightly uncomfortable for them. Friends...thats a joke. Everyone bicthes about everyone behind each others back. Seniors...people I've known for less than 4mnths bitch to me about classmates of theirs, whom theyve known for more than a year. And Im equally sure these same people will go and bitch about me to someone else. I dont whom to trust and whom not to. I still turn to only my old friends for any kind of help. It wouldnt be so bad if this was just a selfish place...selfishness isnt a bad thing at all, but what really puts me off is the hypocrisy. I could probably count on my fingers here the number of people who are honest. I do not lay any grand claims to honesty myself but whatever I say or do, but i dont think im a hypocrite either.There is a difference between a liar and a hypocrite and i hope i am well away from the line where the liar turns a hypocrite. I dont know if this is the attitude they carry over even to their family and close friends but i doubt these people can ever live happily and at peace with themselves.
I feel sad because I have come to a point where I dont really care for anyone at all here. The only people here I truly care for are gv,shivani, nikhlesh my mentor.These are the people i would go out of my way to do things for, people id hate to see get hurt. for the rest, i dont really give a damn. and i feel sad that i have become like this. it isnt how id like to be...and i hate the way im sounding rite now...but sometimes,there is a threshold and u step over it...u just cant let things slide by and not let it bother you...or try to behave like it doesnt really affect you in any way. It does, it does very much...and tears are sometimes such a healer.
I doubt id leave this place with any lasting relationships, except with gv and shivani. I have heard it being said time and again that 10 years down the line, many of your frens are going to be big shots earnign fat salaries and the usual blah. How does it make a difference to me? I dont want to be friends with people like these. I will not be able to point to a single person and say 'he/she will be there for me when i need him/her'...except maybe my mentor. And for someone who has always had atleast 2 people whom she could completely rely on, it is a difficult situation to deal with. But it is in a way a decision made by choice. for conversely, i dont think even id go out of my way for a single person here.I wouldnt mind going out of my way for my mentor and maybe even gv but thtats about it. and thats not liek me at all.obviously, it works 2 ways.
What i really hate is that i simply dont trust people anymore.
My priorities are very different from those of the people around here and im wondering if that is the reason i find it so difficult to liek most of the people here. But that really cant be the was the same situation with my old friends too. im just hoping its the same case as it was wen i first went to hyd...during the 1st year. I thot i liked people easily....i guess i dont like friends so easily.
its highly frustrating...i hate hitting out at so many people like this and when i say 'everone' i know a lot of people do not deserve all of that and it is very unfair of me. But i simply hate what this place is doing to me.I dont like this attitude of looking at everyone in a negative light and then waiting for them to do something so i can change my opinion about them.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

The last 10 days.......
nothing spectacular but ive been having good fun. It rained very heavily one night and a huge group of us girls started dancing in the rain...for an hour and a was amazing fun. I used to dance like crazy and jump around in the rain as a kid. It had been a long time since I did that and it was awesome.
am hardly eating dinner at the mess these days...kfc one day, CCD on campus one day, ordered in twice and if nothing else, i altogether skip dinner.
Last sunday, i was asked to take around a group of europeans fromm rolls royce around Bangalore. & and a pgsm woman were their hosts. We shopped at commercial, lunched at Tandoor, shopped some more. They all changed into ethnic wear in my room and we went to this place called rudraksh. It was on the outskirts of the city...a large farmhouse place kinda thing converted into an ethnic resort...used for exclusive parties. We are welcomed by some folk dancer, served nariyal paani, then we get to pick up drinks and sit under this open hut and watch a ballet of the different dance forms in India. Dinner is in the open...with stone tables and stone stools and baskets for dustbins. It was in the middle of nowhere and very very dark and the place was only dily lighted by pole fires and small bulbs in thick trees. The ambience was mindblowing. If i hav the money and wanted to throw a party for abt 50 ppl, i wud undoubtedly choose this place.
Hmm....havent had dinner today so im pushing off the nite canteen now to pick up some grub. L^2 tonite and me the party coordinator...big name,small job...lots of work

Wednesday, October 13, 2004


We had a quant class in the morning. The prof teaches well but he is extremely boring. Effectively puts the class to sleep. In accordance with my resolution to try not to sleep in class this term I made a laudable effort to stay awake..and succeeded!!! Twas so bad I has tears in my eyes due to the sheer effort. I like Operations Management a lot...very interesting...but Ive met only one person who agrees with me...myself!
I spent all day filling a form for a summers company and still managed to make a big mess out of it and submit it late. I wudnt have minded so much but for the fact that I spent so much time on it. Lesson learnt: Im probably the most inefficient manager of time at this place...and probably at a lot of other places too.
And now on to other news...for whoever is love life remains non existent. I am probably the most contrary minded girl God put on this earth. I cant decide whether it would be more effective to kick myself hard or laugh at myself but I guess nothing is ever going to put an ounce of sense in my head in this regard. So try as I might, the status quo remains as it is. im writing in the confidence that no one reads this but if those who know me are reading this...I know you guys probably have no clue as to who or what I am talking dont bother.
Well im completely free now and thrilled about it. I guess I shall start reading Mistry's 'Fine Balance'. Have been looking forward to it for a long time.
Trust this to happen...i get time to really write for a long while now and all i want to do is read...dint i mention something about being contrary minded?
so im off now to my book

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Back at IIMB

Landed in Bangalore on Sunday morning at 10am. My room was such a mess it made me feel extremely homesick. Shivani helped me clean it up after lunch and the clean room did much to cheer me up...; )
I spent about an hour trying to learn how someone played looked very interesting...but then...
18 of us went out for a movie...everyone fought about which movie to go to so we decided on a dance bar. But then some of the guys werent wearing shoes so they wouldnt be allowed in. Then we went to a bowling alley and came out coz they had no food.After rejecting too more places for being too expensive and too cheap we ended up ate an Andhra restraunt!!...where most of the junta ate north indian stuff!!
And after hot chocolate fudge on the road we headed 'home'. I slept for 4hrs tonlyhat night coz of some for filling we had to do...welcome back to my life!!and this after 10 hrs marathons at home...sad is the state of affairs...
Monday was no better.After lugging up textbooks weighing many tons, we had 2 classes which were both rather good. But i got my last terms marks and those were,unsurprisingly,not good at all.but who cares..not me!!Monday was 'reworking resume' day. Itz kinda awful that everything important you'e done in all your 20yrs is summed up in one single sheet of paper. And what was worse was that all this grand ideas you have of yourself come crashing down when you see the kind of things some of the people here have done. It took me time to come to terms with the kind of resumes most other people have.I was suddenly left wondering what Id been doing all these years when the people around me had been achieving so much. But im cool about it now...i guess i was too busy having fun to achieve all those (note that i assume that i only need to try to achieve...ahem!!...modest,arent we?) The worst thing a person can do is look back and regret.Ive been through that once and itz quite a terrible experience....and it is not something I am ever gonna repeat.
Actually,im in the flow to write a lot more rite now but I have 2 classes tommorrow followed by form filling. So tomm promises to be a busy day and i need all the sleep I can so..gnite.

Saturday, October 09, 2004

one day to go

Im heading for Bangalore tommorrow with a heavy heart. I was in tears today evening. Was bawling like a lil kid saying i didnt want to go. Nagesh and Lalit came home...we went out shopping for lots of stuff i needed and came back home late without getting any of the stuff I wanted!!

Friday, October 08, 2004

Daily deeds

Slept late. Went to school. Whenever I go back to school, a flood of memories come rushing at me. Will not get into that now
Im going back to Bangalore day after. I dont want to...:(((
Im already beginning to feel homesick. i want longer holidays. I want to stay at home.I dont want to study. I dont want to have to do readings and submissions and presentations and assignments and submit stupid resumes and all that.Actually, I dont mind the studying and acads part so is the placement process that puts me off...i wish all this wasnt compulsory..i wudnt have done any of this and coolly done my summers at the IIMB library.
Well, i guess i better make the most of the one remaining day i have in vizag.GV and i will be going to GITAM college to talk to the students about IIMB and CAT. I have no idea how i am supposed to give a speech with my thorat in the condition it is in right now.
Well,i dint do anything i planned to do this vacation. I jus ate a lot and slept even more. Went out when i wasnt doing either of this. Read a little too. My only regret is the amount of time i spent on bracket should have been spent talking on the fone with my frens from here.I have made a promise to myself that i shall spend more time with my family and friends over the fone once i get back. only now have i realised how much ive put them away with my 'im busy' all the time. So this term around, however busy i am, i am going to make time for them.
Well, i kinda lost the habit if sleeping late.Am very sleepy .Off to bed now

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

beach bumblings

Got up late. Lalith came home for lunch.We then picked up GV and went to Thotlakonda.
Weather was lovely today. It had rained and from on top of the hill the sea and sky looked so blue. There is something about the sea which makes you want to not say a word and just sit there and look at it. Something about the sea which makes you think.
I always think that for someone whoz lived near the sea most of his life, it would be difficult to live in a place w/o the sea. I guess I kind of realised this when I was in Hyd. I mean, where do I go when im very sad or very happy, if not to the beach? What better place to meet an old friend than by the beach? And what better way to spend an evening than at the beach?
Im going to miss the beach once Im back in Bangalore. I think Blore is perfect as the city to live in but for the fact that it doesnt have a beach.
Well,enough about it for now. Im chatting with 'prashu' now. Guess ill go crash.

Sunday, October 03, 2004

my first post

my second blog....hopefully, i will be able to make better use of it than the earlier one
letz jus say this is a test post