Thursday, June 22, 2006

What's this called, mate?

Today I was on an exhilarating high, most of the day. I’m not sure why – maybe I woke up early to a lovely morning with the sky so blue and little rain drops and the smell of the earth. Maybe because I met someone dear to me unexpectedly, first thing in the morning. Maybe because I washed my hair and took a nice, relaxing bath. Maybe because we finally found a maid who will do the work at a reasonable wage and I don’t have to worry about wielding the soap bar or broom myself.

Maybe the day seemed so wonderful because I had a full breakfast with a close friend while we sat together and watched the rain. Maybe because I reached office early and got quite a bit of good work done during the day. Maybe because the work and the people in office just pull up my spirits some more.

I’m slowly gaining the confidence that the work I do in office is good. Those self-doubts and uncertainty of earlier days is fading away as, with each day, I become more confident about the quality of the work I’m doing. And this confidence only adds to the enjoyment my work provides.

I can truly say that I’m loving what I’m doing. The times when I am most content in the office are when I’m working hard against a deadline with the worry that I might not be able to meet it. At such times, I’m so lost in my work that I barely hear the conversations happening around me nor do I feel the slightest pang of hunger. The times when I feel most dissatisfied in office are those when I have spent about half or most of the day surfing the internet than doing serious work.

I probably find my work so interesting because it’s challenging - finding the right source and the right information, coming up with ideas, and all this while sticking to tight deadlines. What’s best about the project I’m doing is that I have learnt so much in this one month – information about the power sector in India, knowledge on infrastructure and other related information of some unheard of countries in the Pacific, some of the issues involved in developing and maintaining a website – the things I’ve come across and learnt in my short stint have been very interesting.
But much as I enjoy my working, I don’t see myself doing the same thing a few years down the line. Well, that’s understandable because what I look for most in life is a variety of experiences. But more specifically, I don’t see myself working for the same firm or even a similar firm or in a similar area of work a few years from now. I think this is another indication of my reluctance towards commitments. I’ve always been wary of commitment in a romantic relationship and I still am.

But this fear of commitment is not in relationships alone. I love the work I’m doing but I’m scared to commit myself to the same line of work. I imagine myself doing a lot of things – giving a shot at the civils and joining the IFS to become a diplomat, studying literature at a place like Oxford, packing my bags and spending a year on the road, maybe backpacking across Europe – when I think of what I want to do over the next couple of year, all these options come up but ironically, I am unable to commit to even start with one of these.

What is it about me that refuses to make a choice and then stick to it? Why do I need to keep all my options open all the time? At some point of time in our lives, we will have to make a choice and learn to live with it. Why am I so unwilling to do that? Is everyone scared of commitment in its many forms or is it just me?

Sometimes I think I’m scared about commitment because I enjoy the uncertainty that comes with lack of commitment. I thrive on uncertainty, there’s no doubt about it. I know that what keeps me going is constant wonder of what’s coming next. I think it’s the reason behind my high levels of zest and enthusiasm for everything. Because I’m always curious about what something will bring. Waiting to know what’s coming around the bend.

I have a terrible fear of becoming old. I guess that’s something a lot of young people feel. A large part of this fear of old age is because I think, when I’m that old and I’ve seen all has happened in my life, what else is there to look forward to? What a sad and depressing way to live, with nothing to look forward to! And these thoughts worry me. Because I am afraid of the prospect of coming to a stage in life where I have nothing to look forward to. And I’m just too selfish to fully appreciate how someone can live their lives looking forward to what is going to happen in their children’s lives.

I know my viewpoint is wrong. And when I’m a wise old lady who has seen a lot in life, I will look back at my young and foolish ideas and allow an indulgent smile (I already do that a lot to a lot of the ideas I had when I was a kid so it’s not leap of faith to imagine myself doing it when I’m older too). But till then, like I already said, not knowing anything but thinking he/she knows everything is the prerogative of the young (and of consultants too!!).

So I shall just go live for now thinking that it is the uncertainty in life which gives the adrenalin, the rush to experience the most that life has to offer. By the time I’m old enough to realize I was wrong, it would be too late to matter anyway!!

P.S: I haven’t been using office time to indulge in my brand of philosophy. I’m at home right now, and I’m typing this as I sit in the balcony and a cool wind blows. But now it’s time to turn in because I want to get up early enough to meet my Dad and sister who are coming to Hyderabad tomorrow. I’m not sure I’ll actually be able to meet them because I might not get up in time…..like I said, it’s the uncertainty which keeps me going….;)

17 comments:

Vijay Kothagattu said...

Nice post.

I didnt get u what u mean exactly that, after getting old you look back at your life and see how bad it has gone. You are contradicting yourself. At one point you say that you want to enjoy the present and again u say when u get old u will look back which had been full of gloom.

Certainly if u enjoy the present whats the point of thinking abt old age or any ... even if u think like that, u seem to be very happy with the present life ... move forward like the same ..... so you will always find urself happy irrespective of how old u get.

Also i think you are fashion concious. you can always dye you white hair :P and probably go for slimming centre like few aunties do to look younger.

Btw y do you feel suspicious of committing? any relationship is based on trust. Unless you beleive in ur trust.... its not a relationship. This fear aways keep anyone on toes.

More so you are talking like a grandma :P. As if u want to tell ur loved ones in ur future abt ur life and all ....

You talk like a 10 yr old kid abt ice-creams and crib equally like a granny about imminent things in life....:)) u silly

Anonymous said...

Ramya,

I came across your blog site when I was searching HSBC in google blog. I ended up reading at least 5 of your blogs. You're such a good writer, flowing thoughts so freely! Awesome!

-Venkatesh / Cap One, Virginia.

P.S. By the way don't hate US English. Everytime I hear an american speak I get amazed at their ability to communicate ideas so well, however stupid the idea may be!

Ramya said...

@Venkatesh: Thanks. Do keep dropping in. And well, I don't really hate American English - it's just that all my life I've taught English, well, the English way -so being corrected into Americana ain't veyr pleasant!

Anonymous said...

Long time since i visited ur blog. Neat stuff ra. Philosophy baa develop chestunnavu, manchidi :P.

~GV

vamsi said...

HI!!

It has been months since i started readin ur blogs..perhaps itz one of my hobbies ri8 now...some of ur blogs are kool,some r hot...well finally they make a gud recipe of potpouri...
may b i follow them for their content...
may b i follow them for the fact that the author z form my place(vizag)...
may b i follow them for observing the style of an mba grad(since am currently prep. for cat)..
may b i follow them for the author's audacity in revealing her thouhts so freely...

So Ramya...thanz for enriching my knowledge base in various fields like philosophy...u will b termed as a 'philosophist' in coming dayz ...datz fir sure...
bye
vamsi

Ramya said...

@GV: It's less of philosophy and more of bored ramblings, especially with nothing to do at office for the last 3-4 days. I never thought a day would come when I would want work!!

@Vamsi: Thanks. But I'm not too sure I want to be known as a philosopher...:)
And yes, all the best for CAT.

Anonymous said...

I actually can understand what you mean by fear of commitment..especially in a realtionship. I have had my share of relationships and I never seem to be fully involved, i feel i was just dragged along by the sake of it.I think .. mostly it is the fear that I depend so much on someone and I am not fully in control of my emotions...

And the other thing.. about wanting to do something very different from my present work.. When I visited Europe during my student life..I fancy myself doing some arts studies in Florence or somewhere.. or do a diploma in music somewhere in rome.. or maybe be a ski-instructor in suisse.. who knows..

But i think it is the fear of risking/leaving the current comfort that I am enjoying..

Vijay Kothagattu said...

Blog rayamani regular ga bottu peeti chepala madam miku ....

miru blog ni marketing kuda baga chestrunaru ... chala mandini ochi po mantunaru ...

inlto parentaniki oste mali randi ani chepinate miru blog ki ramantunaru ...

plus fans ki poor treatment... enthaina ma british basha mi antha goppa ga ledu ... antha grammer mistakes. roju roju ki ochindi kuda marchipothunamu ... miru coaching iste memu kuda improve avuthamu madam

Anonymous said...

hellooo?? knock knock??? long time no post?? can we have more of ur philosophical fundas please??

Allen said...

WHAT? YOU'RE NOT COMMITTED TO A RELATIONSHIP?

Anonymous said...

Hi ya. Nice philosophical stuff u got thr. Ive just (re)started my blog as well..nothing much on it rite now..but drop in now n then..
guesswhu.blogspot.com
keep bloggin..

Anonymous said...

Aunty .. kuch toh likh dena... bacche ro re hai....

Gokulakrishnan S said...

That made for an excellent read. :)

Ramya said...

@anon: I think I know what you mean - about the struggle between security and following your own heart. But Europe rocks, doesn't it?

@Vijay: Been busy at work, also no enthu to write really. Will put up new post soon, though.

@anon: No more philosophical fundae. Like I said before, it's just putting the thought process in words - I'm the last person you could call philosophical...:). And it would be nice if you could drop in your nam enext time.

@Allen: 'Committed' being the operative word here...:p

@guesswhu: thank you. i did drop in on your blog. Btw, do I know you? Ashwin?

@Gokul: Thanks a ton...:)

Pradeep Prabhala said...

Hi Ramya:

Interestng "Ramblings", I must admit!Guess, I am a little late to comment on the blog, but i find the thoughts so ..familiar..
Life has so much to offer and its just a waste if one cant get enough of it!!

You are an outstanding writer. I spent an hour reading through your blogs and savouring them :)

Keep posting
cheers..

Ramya said...

Pradeep: Thanks a bunch...:). Everytime I get a comment like this, I tell myself I should write more frequently but alas ...

sanjeevsingh said...

i dont know how i entered in ur blog.. i read three of them but wanted to comment on one related to commitment.. yeah u r very clear that uncertainity prevents us from commiting ourselves from anything specially in relationships.. but i feel uncertainity is one of the symptoms of something else it may be like.. may be i will get some better in life so i should not wait here.. sometimes we dont know what exactly i want from someone.. i have gone through several phase in relationship but seriously i never fetched any moment that i can say yes i have to halt here . initially i use to feel that i have been haunted of finances( never can be the reason for pass outs from iim) and it may be one reason so that i am not able to commit myself anywhere in my life.. but after my B.Tech i started fetching some good money still i was same .. currently i have got a job in polaris as BA with good salary ( not IIM level) but i am not able to change myself , the bad part is i have become concious of it that i cant give commitment to anyone my whole life..
bye bye
http://yessanjeevhere.blogspot.com/

Post a Comment

Go on, make my day!