Saturday, May 29, 2010

Sad, Depressing, Sorry Post - Be Warned!

Well, I’m not going to keep the world in suspense any longer. The examination went very badly. Not in the ‘Oh, I could have done better’ sort of a way, but awfully on an absolute scale. I’ve dissected and analysed and replayed the whole exam in my head a million times. What’s the point? I can’t turn back time. I’ve dreamt about it too. And I am ashamed to admit, I even hoped the paper would have leaked so that there was a re-test. I wish I didn’t think such thoughts though – it’s not fair to those who have done well.

It’s pointless discussing here what went wrong. I’ve done it so often in my head, its’ like a record. Difficult paper, very close choices between the answers, took a lot of time answering each question, ran out of time to go back and answer the questions I had marked with a star to indicate that since I was doubtful about it, I should come back to it and think through the options again before answering. So left out a lot of questions because of messed up time management. That was the story with the first paper.

And I was stupid enough to let the first paper affect my second paper. I went in with a ‘what’s the point’ attitude. And I made it a point to answer each question very quickly or not at all – either the answer jumps out at me or I don’t mark it at all. Because of which I answered too few questions and I made too many mistakes. I did so badly that I didn’t even bother going through the key and checking my tentative score. Hell, I didn’t even count how many questions I had answered. Again, what is the point?

More relevant is what I should be doing next. I started thinking of getting back to work. But now I’ve decided to continue preparing for the mains, atleast till August. If I get through by some miracle (and its going to take a miracle equivalent to that of Jesus walking on the water for me to get through) then I would have been preparing these two months. If I don’t get through, all I’m losing is two months of time and money, which isn’t all that much. It isn’t so bad, to wait it out till August. But I don’t know where I’m going to find the motivation to continue to study.

The worst part is that my sense of self is so tied in with academic success that now I feel like something of a failure, and am making it out to be a bigger deal than it actually is. See, I suck at sports, I’m no good at art, I have no musical talent, I’m not a creative person, and anything I cook is inedible. But the one thing I AM was good at was academics. Now it looks like that’s also been taken away from me, and it’s made me hyper-sensitive and irritable. Of course, I know its stupid, but I cant seem to help it.

It’s funny how I feel sorry for myself on the one hand, while on the other hand I am thinking of how I am blowing up this whole business.

Okay, have I now managed to successfully pass on my sense of depression and despair to you?

Well, cheer up, its not all bad news. My parents and Samee have come to Bangalore, and are staying with me for a week. We’ve been about quite a bit, done some shopping, seen a play, ate out every day. Tomorrow I am off to Coorg with the family for the weekend. I’ll write a nice, cheerful, happy post  once I’m back.

Take care and have a good weekend!

P.S: Or maybe not. My next post might well be a painful, pathetic crib post about how I am friendless in Bangalore. That’s one of my latest bugbears. It’s like I’m always looking out for imaginary problems since I don’t have any real problems. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!


Da Underdog said...

Hm How Come am always there when ppl are down .. ???

Here try this If that helps : -

Read It slow .. try to picturise the scene .. and do forgive me If the writting failed to bring a smile .. and yes pardon, If the English aint as good.

SomeOne very very Important to me in My Life said this

'' Failure does not exist, It s always just a situation that was not favourable to us AT THAT TIME , U can NOT do anything about that , But Yes what U can do NOW is .. Reflect, Correct and Resurrect Yourself for the NEXT STEP - that way U know Ur in Control and U know It s U who can Make it Different this time around Ahem ''

I liked ur post , it was honest , depressing understanbly, cursing oneself too, What I did not seriously appericate was .. the striking of I AM and putting I WAS .. that showed disbelief ..I can understand that too ..

Trust me friend .. I have had enuff failures in Life to be called '' Jack of all Trades'' and there is nothing great I have acheieved in academics, But I was damm good at sports .. and for me Sports taught me more about Life than any other stream of learning did .. and sometimes When I fail to Achieve something .. I remember the times when I ran a 400 meter race which I lost and WON IT the next year !!! You should remember that You have Achieved great things in Acads before , it was the same YOU !

There is always a second, third , hell .. the nth chance .. Loose anything .. but neva LOOSE FAITH / BELIEF IN YOURSELF ,B'COS when You have done that .. God Himself above, is puzzled as How He could Help You !

Am certain by the time ur reading this ur already in a great mood, Cos I know ur someone who does not give Up and someone who fights back !
note : Apologies for the Long Post :-)

Preeti said...

Aww! Hope you feel better after the trip! And even if you don't, its still family time. So you can't complain! :)

Vamsi said...

Watch Shawshank Redemption..:-)


R said...

@Da Underdog: Thank you for your comment. It really made me feel much better. And I am touched that you showed so much concern :-) Don't worry about feeling much better now :-)

@Preeti: Yeah, the timing was perfect! The trip, and spending time with my family really drove the blues away

@Vamsi: Hehe :-)

Chinkurli said...

here's a hug for you! hope it makes you feel better. *hug*

Bj said...

Too much naatak I say...ask Nike to cheer you up..:) looking forward to the friendless in bangalore case you want for reference, i left the city on 29th Nov, 2008 (in case you plan to give a historical background on when this phenomenon started)..:)

PNA said...

Hugs to u Ramya, and Coorg, I'm jealous of u, I wanna visit again ...

it's a tough exam, Good luck for the mains and the interview too, :)

Between which subject?


R said...

@Chinkurli: Aww.....thank you!

@BJ: You never give up trying, do you :p I've changed my mind about that post since I can see that it will lead to some bloated heads around these parts

@PNA: Yeah, Coorg is lovely, you should make a trip there sometime.....monsoon is a great time to go.
Thanks for the wishes, though I'm not sure I will need them since I might not be writing the mains at all! But if I do, the subjects are Public Administration and English Literature

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